NaBloPoMo - day 1(part2)

something i hate about myself.....

i have an inability to interact apporpriately in social situations.  i suck at small talk, i get nervous and overthink everything i say.  i come off like an idiot and hate the words coming out of my mouth.  i feel like when i talk to people that they are looking for an escape.  the thing is that i am not an idiot, i have valid thoughts, ideas and beliefs.  i just put so much pressure on myself to say the "right" things and not to seem stupid that i just get flustered and end up with diarrhea of the mouth.  i just can't shut up and i say stupid things - it's like my filter turns off. 

my biggest fear with my lack of social graces is that i will be a negative influence on avery and carson.  avery is such a social being and loves being around people and will talk to anyone.  i don't want to screw that up with my own insecurities.  i make an effort to take her on playdates, to the park and to the library where she can play with other kids.  i try so hard to chat with the other moms, but it just doesn't come naturally for me.  i feel like an outsider around the mommy squads.  everyone else seems to have such an easy time of the social rules.  i want to be that kind of mommy, i don't want avery or carson to be embarrased by me because i can't have a conversation with their best friend's mom without alienating her. 

i hate that i can't make friends.  i hate the effect that it may have on my childrens' abilities to make friends.  i hate that, as hard as i try, i can't do better.